Author: Jeanette Hu, AMFT
If you are considering cutting down or quitting drinking, then chances are that you are familiar with the tug-of-war over “drink or not drink”—where you have two voices in your head. One urges you to not pick up that bottle today, while the other whispers in your ear that “one drink won’t hurt.”
The daily conundrum of drink or not drink is called ambivalence. As unpleasant as it is, ambivalence is an ordinary process we all go through when we want to make any changes in life, such as starting a new routine, moving to a new city, or making a major lifestyle change like cutting back on alcohol.
Ambivalence is more than unpleasant—it’s exhausting! It’s like an endless war. The two voices both make irresistible points. One demands change by reminding you of all the negative consequences, the other persuades you to continue by expressing doubts—what if you can’t relax? What if you miss out on all the fun? What if you can’t cope? On a good day, they argue quietly, but most of the time, they yell and scream. It’s exhausting, but every time you give in, you lose a bit of faith in yourself and your ability to change. Moreover, will your loved ones lose faith in you too one day?
However, the good news is that there are things you can do to move you through this stage faster and to get you to the other side more quickly. This evidence-based method is called Motivational Interviewing.
Giving in is the easiest way to end the tug of war, but somewhere deep down, you know that you cannot continue to drink the way you have been. So what are your options besides giving in? Perhaps you have already tried a few things. Maybe you’ve tried willpower—to just say NO, to just push through. Perhaps you’ve tried distracting strategies—doing something else when the cravings hit. Or some of you might have tried to make up rules—only drink at the weekend or no more than two glasses with a meal. However, there are problems—willpower runs out, distraction doesn’t always work, and rules eventually fail. This is what is tricky about ambivalence—despite its misery, people can remain stuck there for a very long time. There is no easy way to end this tug of war.
Motivational Interviewing is an approach that meets individuals where they are at. It doesn’t push a person to change before they are ready. Motivational Interviewing aims to strengthen a person’s own motivation and commitment to change and energizes the pro-change part of their mind, helping it to become stronger and louder. Once the pro-change part of their mind is strong enough to overpower the counter-change part, the tug-of-war will end.
To help you to get a taste of how you could strategically strengthen the pro-change voice, I would like to share a small exercise designed by William Miller and Stephen Rollnick, the two founders of Motivational Interviewing. While you are doing this exercise, please keep in mind that it is meant to give you a taste of the approach, it is NOT meant to be a replacement for therapy.
For this exercise, all you need is a piece of paper and a pen, or a blank document where you can type. Once you are ready, please answer the following 4 questions.
- Why do you want to cut down or stop drinking?
- How might you go about it in order to succeed?
- What are the three best reasons for you to change your drinking behavior or pattern?
- How important is it for you to make this change, and why?
Take your time to answer each question. When you finish, read through your answers and try to summarize them for yourself. After the summary, ask yourself the last question:
- What will I do?
Then, continue to write what comes to you.
That is it. How was it for you? If you pay attention, you might be able to notice that the pro-change voice in your head has just become a little bit louder than it was before the exercise. The effectiveness of Motivational Interviewing can help you to move through the never-ending internal tug of war sooner, so that you can start your healing journey to find the happiness and freedom that you deserve.
I have used Motivational Interviewing techniques to help many of my clients get unstuck from ambivalence and find their paths to healing. My Sober Curiosity Groups are designed exactly for this purpose– to provide an encouraging, supportive environment for working on behaviors you’d like to change but struggle with. Curious about Sober Curiosity Groups? Join my free workshop this month and find out how I can support you. Space is limited so please contact me today to reserve yours.